Finding You Read online

  Devlin laughed, “Of course I can, but you came in demanding friendship.”

  “And I need an appointment for that?”

  “No, you just say the time and place and I’m there.”

  “Hmm, great. Let’s get a cup of coffee. My driver is waiting outside.”

  Devlin smiled, “Seems like this is going to be a very demanding friendship.” Even then, she reached for her coat and bag and followed Jesse out. “Cancel my meeting,” she said to her assistant.

  Jesse had come in so pumped up, but when they left Devlin’s office, she was quiet and appeared nervous all the way to the coffee shop a few blocks from the building. They ordered their coffee and took a seat facing each other.

  “You know, neither one of us is much of a talker unless we’re talking about work,” Devlin observed.

  Jesse nodded, “I know, but I want to try. I want to get to know you. Well, those other parts of you,” Jesse said and Devlin smiled, recalling how intimately they knew each other’s bodies.

  “Okay, but technically, you know me more than I know you seeing as you’ve met my family and you know my work.”

  A waiter brought over their coffee. When he left, Jesse’s attention turned back to Devlin. “How’s your girlfriend?”

  Devlin hesitated. She wasn’t used to talking about her personal life so she didn’t know how to go about it. “Jaime is fine, but uh, we broke up,” she said.

  Jesse raised her eyebrow. “You did?”

  Devlin nodded.

  “How long were you two together?”

  “Five years,” she said.

  After a little bit of silence, Jesse asked. “Are you okay?”

  It hadn’t affected Devlin in any way. She figured she’d gotten used to the distance and emptiness over the years, but she didn’t fail to notice Jaime was starting to pay more attention to her which was weird. “I’m fine. Tell me about you, your family, Michael, how did you two meet?” She was already uncomfortable talking about herself.

  “Well, there’s not really much to tell. I’m an only child. My parents retired several years ago and have been traveling the world ever since, but we keep in touch. I met Michael in college. He came from a good successful family and he was brilliant, which was what I was drawn to. We started dating and somehow went into business together. That’s pretty much it.”

  “How long have you two been together?”

  ”A little over twelve years now.”

  “That’s quite a commitment, how come you two never got married?”

  “It never really was my thing, though he wanted to.”

  “Do you love him?”

  Jesse paused and looked at Devlin.

  Devlin was glad Jesse was so forthcoming with information, but she realized she might have gone a bit overboard with the questions.

  “I’m sorry, you don’t have to tell me,” she said.

  “Why did you and Jaime break up?” Jesse asked.

  It’s wasn’t that Jesse failing to volunteer an answer to the question didn’t bother her, it was how she turned it around. “It wasn’t working out,” she said as she sipped her coffee.

  Silence descended then Jesse said sarcastically, “This is going well.”

  Devlin nodded, noticing the tension between them. “Does Michael know about us?” Since Jesse had told her about their arrangement, she wondered if Jesse had mentioned to the man she’d been with for over ten years that she’d been sleeping with the woman they were in a business partnership with.

  “No, he doesn’t.”

  “Why not? I thought you two had an arrangement,” she quoted Jesse.

  Jesse pursed her lips, then relaxed them. “I think he’d have a problem with it,” she said.

  “How come?” she asked curiously.

  “You’re not just a fling.” She met Devlin’s gaze at the simple explanation.

  After a moment, Devlin said softly, “I miss you.” She truly did, her encounters with Jesse were unlike anything she’d ever experienced before. “And you look terrific.”

  Jesse smiled and reached out for Devlin’s hand over the table. “I miss you too, and you look stunning.”

  They gazed at each other in silence for a while, and slowly pulled apart.

  “Do you think we’ll be able to do this again?” Jesse asked.

  “I think so, maybe.”

  “How about lunch next time, or dinner?”

  “I think dinner will be a bit too intimate, lunch will be better.”

  Jesse nodded in agreement.

  When Devlin went back to work, she was happy and sad at the same time. Happy to have spent time with Jesse, but sad that was all it had been. She wasn’t sure she’d be able to see through a friendship with her, but she was willing to try.

  “I made us dinner,” Jaime said a few days later when Devlin got home.

  She was used to eating before heading home or just ordering take out, so a home cooked meal was definitely a surprise.

  “Jaime, I already ate at the office,” she said.

  “Come on, I went through all this trouble, have a little bit. Please,” her soft voice pulled at Devlin.

  She looked at the romantic candle lit table and knew what Jaime was trying to do. The pleading look in Jaime’s eyes won her over, though she doubted the meal would mean much. Maybe they could rekindle their friendship, but nothing more.

  “Okay, but just a little.”

  “Great, please take a seat.”

  Devlin sat down and Jaime sat beside her. The food was actually nice, but she was too full to eat much.

  “How’s work coming along?” Jaime asked.

  “Really well,” she wasn’t in the habit of going into details about her projects so she didn’t know what type of answer Jaime was seeking. “How are you doing?” she asked.

  “I’m doing okay. Jean Baptiste wants to showcase some of my work. I’d love it if you accompanied me. It’ll be on Saturday afternoon, which is great because you can take some time off from work.”

  “Jaime, I’d like to but I don’t think I can.”

  “Why not?”

  “Well, that’s your world.”

  “Are you saying you don’t want to be a part of it anymore? You loved art even before we met.”

  “I still do, but I need some distance. I appreciate what you’re trying to do but it won’t work.” She regretted being so blunt but she was starting to think even living with Jaime while they were broken up was a mistake.

  “I want you back, Dev.”

  She exhaled softly and put down her spoon after a couple of bites. “You had an opportunity to make it right for over two years and you chose your art over me. It’s not always about what you want, Jaime.”

  “Dev, please, don’t do this.” Her voice wavered. “I’ll give up the painting, I’ll give everything up.” Tears brimmed her eyelids.

  “I had an affair, I slept with another woman,” she blurted out, as she stood up, unable to take the pressure.

  The shocked look across Jaime’s face made her resent herself. “I hate myself for it because I never meant to hurt you, but it happened and I can’t take it back.”

  “Is that why you broke up with me?” Jaime asked, getting to her feet as well.

  “No, Jaime. I broke up with you because we haven’t been a couple for a long time. I’ve felt alone for years when you were sleeping right there beside me.”

  “When?”

  “When what?” she didn’t understand the question.

  “When did you have the affair?”

  It was a difficult question since all it was going to do was hurt her, but Devlin told her the truth anyway. “About two months ago,” she said.

  Jaime turned her back on Devlin.

  “I care about you Jaime, whatever fear you have over us parting ways, it shouldn’t be there. We can still be friends if you want to. My family adores you like you’re one of them. Nothing has to change,” she said.

  “Apart from us,” Jaime
said, choking on her words.

  Devlin wanted to comfort her, but decided against it. “Look, us living together is going to get weird so, I’m going to find a place and move out.”

  “Move out, this is your loft.”

  “Don’t worry about that, you can stay here until you find yourself a place of your own.”

  “I can’t believe this is really happening. You don’t love me anymore,” Jaime said painfully.

  “No, I’m sorry.”

  She turned and went to the bedroom. She took a deep breath, hating herself for inflicting pain on Jaime. Even though the truth about her affair was out, it didn’t make her feel any better. Jaime deserved someone who had the patience and the willingness to come second to her art and Devlin was not that person.

  Chapter 5

  Devlin moved out three days later. She was sad to leave the loft, and in some way, Jaime, but she knew she’d made the right decision. She hadn’t told her family and wasn’t even sure she would. She wanted to give Jaime time to settle, then maybe later, they could do it together.

  She got herself a spacious two bedroom apartment that was beautifully furnished, but for some reason, it felt empty to her. She and Jaime had hand chosen every piece of furniture in the loft to make it feel like home, for that reason, the new apartment felt empty.

  After a week of living there, Jesse called asking her out for lunch. She was excited to hear from her, but there was some apprehension within her even though she was proud for whatever form of relationship they had formed.

  They met up at a nice intimate restaurant and when Devlin arrived, Jesse was already there. They hugged lightly, and Devlin tried to bury whatever feelings she still had for Jesse.

  “It’s so nice to see you, Devlin. You look great,” Jesse said.

  “It’s nice to see you too, and thanks, you look great too,” she said.

  They still communicated about their business, but they tried to keep it as professional as possible. It was hard for Devlin, but she had no choice.

  “How have you been?” Jesse asked.

  Devlin reached for the menu, absently saying, “I don’t know, weird.”

  “You’ve been weird?” Jesse asked.

  Devlin looked up, and laughed. “Oh, I’m sorry. I was thinking about something else.”

  “What?”

  “I’m sure you don’t want to hear about it.” She stared at the menu, looking through the delicious looking meals.

  “Devlin, come on, tell me. I want to know,” Jesse said.

  Devlin met her gaze and put down the menu. She took a sip of the wine Jesse had preordered and gently exhaled. “I moved out of the loft I shared with Jaime, into a new apartment. The new experience is a bit strange.”

  “You moved out? So, you two were serious about the break up?”

  Devlin nodded.

  “Wow, that’s… Wow!” Jesse said.

  Devlin looked at her and smiled.

  “So that means you can start seeing other people, you can start uh- dating…” she said.

  Devlin raised her eyebrow in amusement, wondering where Jesse’s mind had taken her. She hadn’t even thought about dating, and it was a far thought from her mind but she wondered how Jesse would react to the idea of her seeing people. “I guess it does,” she said.

  Jesse cleared her throat as though she had some air stuck there and said, “That’s great.”

  Devlin softly chuckled, knowing Jesse didn’t mean it by the pale look across her face. “Would that bother you? Me seeing other people?”

  “Uh,” she took a sip of water just as a waiter came to take their orders.

  “Please give us a few more minutes,” Devlin said, and he nodded and left.

  “Jesse, I’m just messing with you. You don’t have to answer the question.” She was pleased to know some parts of Jesse were bothered to think of Devlin with other women.

  She took another sip of the wine and asked, “I’ve never been here before, what would you recommend?” she asked Jesse, giving her time to get over the moment. After a while, Jesse made their orders and a calm silence descended.

  “How are you and Michael doing?” she asked.

  Jesse shrugged her shoulders. “Same old, same old.”

  “Are you still going through with your arrangement?” She hated having to ask the question because it meant she cared about the women Jesse was probably sleeping with, but it was nagging at her. And technically, since they were friends, it wasn’t such an odd question to ask.

  “No, not since you.”

  She didn’t know if the sentiment pleased her, and she chose not to dwell on it. “So how did you used to do it?”

  “Do what?” Jesse asked.

  “Pick up random women. Did they all always follow you up to the room?” she didn’t even know why she was asking this.

  “Wow, you’re on fire today.” Jesse took a sip of wine.

  “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to,” Devlin said.

  “No, uh, I want to. I want you to know me,” she said.

  Devlin was pleased by that. “Thanks.”

  “Sometimes Michael and I would pick someone together and we’d take her home and, you know…” she trailed off.

  Devlin thought about it and the realization appalled her. “You two would sleep with her, together?”

  Jesse nodded. “Sometimes he liked to share and I didn’t mind. It was actually so much easier when it was the two of us. Anyway, I’d go to parties, social events, the sort, and if I liked someone, I’d approach her, talk to her and take her home with me. And no, not every woman I asked to come with me did.”

  Devlin didn’t know why, but the explanation made her feel so cheap and dirty. Jesse must have noticed her change because she quickly said, “Devlin, you’re not like those women. You’re intelligent and honorable. You’re different.”

  Devlin didn’t say anything because Jesse’s words did nothing to change how she felt about herself. And for some reason, she saw Jesse in a whole different light, not a very bright one though.

  She knew better than to ask questions for answers she was unprepared for, or didn’t like, but continued anyway. “Did you at some point want to share me with Michael?” She wasn’t bisexual, she just wanted to understand Jesse’s way of thinking.

  “No, Devlin, never. Even the thought of you with Jai-,” she stopped.

  Devlin met her gaze and waited.

  Jesse resumed softly. “The thought of you and Jaime drove me crazy.”

  If the waiter hadn’t brought over their meals when he did, Devlin would have made up some excuse and left. She hated how much she cared about Jesse and her life and resented herself for still wanting her despite it.

  “I don’t usually judge people for the choices they make or the way they choose to live their lives, so I really hate myself for the way I feel about everything you just told me. It’s not on you, it’s all on me.”

  “Devlin, you have to understand that I never really thought about it. I just went out and did it. My life was so boring, so routine and being with Michael didn’t fully satisfy me. I needed more, but it left me feeling emptier than before.”

  “But you still went out and did it, why?”

  “I don’t know, for the thrill of it.”

  “When we were together, is that what it was all about?” Devlin asked, again cautioning herself to prepare for the answer.

  “In the beginning, that first night, that’s what it was supposed to be. But you were different, Devlin. When I touched you, everything inside me changed. I never wanted to touch anyone else. I still don’t.”

  The words hit Devlin so hard, she didn’t know how to respond. She looked at her untouched meal, all her appetite gone.

  “Devlin, I’m a different person now. I know everything I’ve shared with you today is appalling, to be honest, I never realized it until now. But like I said, I want you to know me; the good, the bad and the ugly.”

  It was too much for D
evlin. She needed some time and space to think about it. She needed to leave. “I’m sorry, Jesse. I have to go.”

  She got up before Jesse could protest and hurriedly left.

  Jesse waited for almost a week before she decided to seek out Devlin. The problem was, she had no idea where to start since she didn’t want to go to her office. So she asked her assistant to ask Devlin’s assistant for her home address.

  It was over the weekend and Michael was home. He’d been there a couple of days but he knew not to bother her when her mind was off wandering. The good thing about him was that he was always working, leaving her with time to herself. Probably why she’d gotten bored over time and started seeking her thrills elsewhere.

  She hated herself for it now. She’d berated herself all week for sharing too much information with Devlin, who also hated her. She could tell because even work calls were cold.

  Deciding to go over to Devlin’s even though chances were she wouldn’t be home, Jesse went to her bedroom and changed into casual clothing. She couldn’t handle knowing Devlin hated her. It hurt her deeply in a way she’d never felt before.

  “Michael, I’m going out,” she said at the door.

  “Okay, see you.”

  Michael didn’t nag or disturb her. He let her be and she liked that about him. He was focused, easy going, and he cared deeply for her. Over the years their relationship had settled into a calm partnership that mostly revolved around work.

  They trusted each other and were great business partners. She loved him, but it wasn’t the way she’d loved him in the past. She wondered how he’d feel to learn she’d come to care deeply for someone else. If she opened her heart up to him, would he understand?

  Would he be hurt? Would he feel betrayed? Would he hate her? Would he terminate their partnership? Would he leave? She didn’t have any answers to the questions because she’d never thought about it before.

  She’d crammed Devlin’s address and nervously drove wondering what state she’d find her in. She knew Devlin was still upset and probably wanted nothing more to do with her, but she didn’t care. She had to see her.

  During the time they’d been apart, Jesse had unsuccessfully forced herself to swallow everything she felt for Devlin. Despite it, her feelings for Devlin had continued to grow.